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Sunday, March 22, 2015

Fuck my anxiety

I was out on one of my estate sailing trips yesterday when my GPS led me to a huge Home Depot.  I figured I'd go inside since I was there already.  I needed to look at a few things..

What I forgot was... that it was Saturday and this huge Home Depot was loaded with people inside.  I hadn't realized what I had done until my body temperature shot up.  I was holding this super charged coffee made by sweet little Ecuadorian lady in my neighborhood.  It was strong.

My anxiety came crawling up my back like a snake and whispered in through my hair into my ear..  "You slipped up and here I am to play the fight or flight game with you.  I won't let you escape me this time, telling me to go away won't work.  That coffee you just drank was loaded with caffeine and it just intensifies what I'm about to do to you."  I felt him wrapping around my neck and tightening up every time I looked around at the people walking past me.  I think they know I'm about to pass out, just look at your phone Michelle.  Ignore him..I was going to pass out here.. At Home Depot.. while looking at tile.    This is it...

Then I remembered who the fuck I was.

I did what I've been doing for the past 2 years, I fought back.  I kept walking around looking at tile, I kept breathing.. I kept busy.   I just had to remind this snake that I'm in charge and I came here to look at tiles and paint swatches.   It was hard but I got my swatches and booked towards the front door as fast as possible.   As soon as the doors opened and I felt the wind on my face my whole demeanor changed and I was ok.  The snake was gone and I could breath.

Since I discovered I had a panic disorder in 2011 I've learned what triggers it and I try to avoid those places as much as possible.  I know I could pop a pill everyday and not worry about this happening, easy right?   I don't want any chemical in my brain unless it's absolutely needed.   I sip on water, I breath, I wash dishes.... It's a brain trip.  I didn't have my headphones at Home Depot because if I did I would of plugged them into my iphone and listened to music the whole time I was in there.  That always works..music is a great counteract er to my anxiety.

So I calmed down and drove out of there but a panic attack doesn't come with extra consequences for me.   It downed my mood for the day and I was tired.  Believe it or not you use up a lot of yourself fighting these.   Add this to it being a New Moon Eclipse and I was not a happy camper.   I ended up spending the day with my best friends and everything went awesome.  Change your scenery and find people to laugh with.

So fuck you anxiety.  It's been 3 years and each year I win a little more and soon I'm going to grab that snake by his neck and bite his head off.   Spit that shit out like a G.



Sunday, March 8, 2015

It's all in the stars

It's Sunday...  I look back to a year ago today and I see so much has changed.   I'm happier... My heart if full today.   I got that full tank feeling.    I feel all this planetary energy around working so hard to guide my way.   Sounds corny if you are not into Astrology, it's ok.

Today completes a very sad week that somehow turned itself around to a week of love.  When you come from a place of love and sincerity, how can anyone turn you away for that?   It took us losing one of us to realize how connected we all are to each other.   We may not speak for years but blood is thicker than water.   I'm so happy that we were all able to look forward and let go of the past.   I've missed them all...

They are my tribe.. these are my people.   These people know me and even understand me.   As I do them...

So this week was sad because we lost my aunt but it was good because it brought us back together.   We've all grown so much and I think it's going to be nice to get to know everyone all over again.  

Vintage Luggage are the Best Luggage

My find this past weekend.   It's in almost new condition.    Vintage Invicta briefcase.                                        ...