Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I don't understand my musical tastes either.   Maybe I'm blind when it comes to music.   Although the people singing it are important I'm mostly attracted to the sound.   I grew up around music.. it's a big part of my life.  Does that make me a special kind of person?

It depends on how you look at life.   I look at life like it's magic..  I believe in energies and auras.  I'm amusing to people when I talk about spirituality.  Then every so often I meet a kindred spirit who knows what I'm talking about.

I also know how to blend in with stagnant energies.    Just be accepting of where they are in life and don't try to change them.  If they are open to something different then I'm all about opening up my soul to them.    I've learned a few times how it can be painful to do that.  If only one person was good out of the 10 people I've met in the past ten years.. then I'm good.  It's worth all the hurt to have met one good solid soul.  I'm actually getting used to it.   All you have to do is keep your heart open all the time, no matter what.   There are always loses in life in whatever you do.

Growth is not a competition.

I'm still working on the acceptance part.  Not everyone is at my level and I need to work on understanding that it's ok.  I don't need to be friends with everybody.  I think it's unrealistic that we need to all get along with each other.   Sure we can be cordial,  but to have to accept people into our lives that don't share my same moral high ground?  It's not wrong to say no.

I don't need a million people to like me, I just need them to respect me.

If you don't respect people you don't love them.




Monday, November 28, 2016

I'm so lucky.  I have such great people in my life... Some of these people really have struggled to be my friend.  I'm not easy to love.  It takes a long time to build trust with me, especially women.   I guess I have mom issues.   I do.   I was the antithesis of what she wanted in a daughter.   I wasn't well put together, I was a messy little tomboy.   I loved my daddy.   I wanted to go with him everywhere.. He taught me how to swim, how to fish, how to play Canasta.   I had the best father in the world growing up, he was always there for me when I needed help.

My mom is tough as nails.   She was sharp.    She got shit done.     I was her little air headed, weird, odd and dirty finger nailed daughter lol   I would come home from a day out with my friends covered in mess!  I grew up in the 80s where you left your house after breakfast to go hang out with your friends on the block and only came home to eat and sleep.  My best friend was a boy, of course.   His name was Ray Dumbrowski, he was polish like everyone on my block.  We were like one of the first Portuguese families to move into our street.   Ray had cable and Entelivision...


I got home after a day like in this picture and I was a all dirty and dusty.  Me and Ray went on adventures all day.  There was an abandoned house on our block and we used to investigate it all the time.  We had a crew...    it was just like in the movies.  We had a princess, a bully, a tomboy and a jock.     My mother wanted me to be the princess and I didn't want to be.

I'm so tired of pretending to be someone who has their shit together.   I'm a soul on a mission on this earth... I work through my mess everyday.   I've taken long extended breaks to find myself.   It worked.  I know exactly who am, the good bad and the ugly.   I'm aware of my shit and I'm going to keep working on fixing it.  I want to succeed in life.

Friday, November 4, 2016


I didn't know it was going to be our last day...

He was very special.   Very guarded and even psychic...  I called him my magic kitty.   He liked to be left alone a lot and he loved our backyard.   Everyone loved him because he was a sweety when he wanted to be an extrovert.  Food would usually bring that out of him.

He was my first pet.   I ached to pet him and hold him and smother him with kisses.  After a few years I knew to just leave him and let him come to me.  He would sometimes but always at paws length.

I just hope he was happy in his time with me... Now for the icepacks on my face to bring down this swelling from crying.  I have a baby shower to go tomorrow and I don't want to look like a raccoon in pictures.

RIP Sao Paio  (Saint Paio)

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I haven't completely given up on love.       That's how you start every corny blog post.


How can you give up on something that's always around?


I'm an Astrologer.   Trust me when I say, that's it's just as much about chance as it is about destiny.

And today, you have one of those chances.....   if you're lucky.    Astrology is all about degrees and angles...

If by chance you have planets in your chart around this occurrence,  matching with your degrees .. then you are feeling this lovely energy today.


Venus Sextiles Jupiter.  When you see the word sextile, picture yourself squirming and snapping your fingers to your favorite song.   It's just kind of vibe today.

Today you would meet someone.  I'm not saying it's your soul mate but it is somebody you would like.

I know I wish I could of gone out dancing tonight and just had fun.  The next time this happens, and it happens often enough, I'll be ready.  These two planets always meet up like this, in this point and time with their googley eyes toward each other.   This energy is spilling everywhere tonight... I would just want to be part of it if I had the chance to.

 

Monday, October 24, 2016

I'm struggling with something so heavy right now.  On whether or not I should put my cat to sleep.   I know he's dying but I don't feel right about putting him to sleep.  He's still active and eating, even if it's very minimal.    I want to him to stay alive for as long as possible..  when I feel he's in pain I will save him from it.

He's also completely lost his mind and has deciding to poop or pee wherever he feels like it.   It's so stressful to come home to cleaning that up every night.   This is what I chose 16 years ago and I feel like I owe it to him to never give up.   I literally broke down on my porch and just started crying today.   When I got home all I smelled was shit and it was horrible.   I'm tired from working all day and then I have to come home to that.

but it's what I chose....

I just hate when I cry.    I always look real horrible afterward.   Crying really takes a lot of me.....   It's really physically draining.   I got it out though and I refocused.    I just have to continue to care for him until I can't anymore.   Now I know how parents feel changing diapers everyday.   Because in actuality I'm getting used to his smell.   yuck.

My Jazzy died two years ago  and I went through hell and back with her the year before she died .   I didn't give up on her either and she lived a whole other year.  She died a year later to the week...

http://brickcityvintage.blogspot.com/2014/03/how-i-saved-my-cat-by-hand-feeding-for.html

I'll do this for all my pets.

I used to save cats off the street when I was a kid.   I'd sneak them in my room and they'd sleep in my drawers.   One time I managed to keep them hidden from my mom for a whole week.   I was away at a girl scout meeting and she went into my room to clean and POW!  Out jumps fluffy and scares the shit out of her.    I got my ass beat so bad that day.     Lord.

So it's no surprise I rescued 3 cats when I moved into my first apartment.   Me!  A dog person.   Not even a dog person.. a German Shepherd person.   I'm going to get my dog one day but I want to have a free space for him to run and do German Shepherd things.   One day I'll get my Anubis.  

So I'm toughing it out for my Sao Paio.   I got him in 2000 from a young Portuguese girl in Kearny.   She lived with her baby daddy in a small apartment.   I met them through my ex boyfriend who knew her boyfriend.  I got dragged into this hot mess and ended up rescuing this cat from her fucked up life.   He was forced to live with two pitbulls and they terrorized him every day.   That's why he's been a nervous wreck all this life.  He's never been comfortable with getting held and kissed.   My other two cats love getting affection.

He's always been scared and timid.   I related him to being the broken part of myself at the time.  Even now, except I've healed all that.   My kitty has never been able to get past his trauma, even after 16 years with me.   It's sad.  He's so skinny and out of his mind but he's still alive and not in paid yet.  So I'll be his ride or die.

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Push me.    Push me off the diving board.   I'm such a snail.

Today a good friend had to make me hear something.   We were talking about an exercise regime for me.   He knows me very well and since he works out all the time he knows what I need.   He wanted to tell me something straight out but he couldn't because it would hurt my feelings.  Maybe he thought it was something I didn't know about myself.    It was almost amusing to hear him stutter.. lol
So then I came out and said it.   My weak point on my body is my stomach.   It sucks for me because I've never had kids so I have no excuse.  The truth is I don't care if I never have a six pack or that it will never be "hard".    I just don't want to look like Jaba The Hut.  If it's a little soft I'm ok with it.   I just don't want it to get out of control.  I would love to have a flat stomache but I don't think it's in my genetics.  A lot of the women in my family have the same problem with it.  When my stomache is flat it means I am as skinny as a twig.  All my curves are gone.  I don't want that.

I like my weigh right now, 140 is good for me.  I'm top heavy, if I wasn't I'd be happy with 132lbs.
I didn't even post about it.   This is my 2nd secret project.

Then he said that I needed to take aerobic classes.   He was right but I didn't want to hear that because I know why he was saying that.   He is ex did it and it changed her body.   Normally that wouldn't bother me but I never liked that bitch.   Crazy psycho.

Then a few hours went by and realized the truth in his logic.    I'll try it.   I just don't like being with too many females in 0ne room.  With yoga it's different.  We are all the same in that room.. It's different, trust me.   It took me a minute to realize I was being petty.   I am can be a real Petty Betty, trust me.    But the good in my heart always wins and I owned up to it.  I need aerobics, I know this.   I know that's why i got so skinny working at Michaels.  I was running in that store, it was a huge spot.  The same is happening now at Atlantic except it's half the effort.   So 45 minutes of cardio it is.  And another 30 minutes of weights.   This will be my life 4 x's a week.

Back to the origin of this post.   Push me off a divingboard.   I am that person who needs to be pushed.  I just wish I met someone who loved to do push me.   I'd have a great time doing it to someone else if it meant I would be propelled to do great things.   Please God.. help me with that.  But I know that my mission in this life is to be the pusher.  ..

Fine

Thursday, October 6, 2016

A bus hit me today.

It was about 3pm when I started getting the dizzy spells.  By 4 o'clock on full panic mode.   It just came out of nowhere, nothing triggered it.  I ran outside to sit with my face in the sun to see if I could calm down.    I felt the tears well up and I was not going to allow myself to cry.   It's not my fault these things happen to me.   I don't even know why this appeared in my life 5 years ago.  Everytime I get an attack I feel instant guilt, I feel like this is happening because of something I did .

I sat there, I calmed down a little and I went back inside to work.  I was looking around at everyone hoping nobody noticed that my eyes were red.  I went inside the office to sit down and hoping that maybe being in there would make it go away but it didn't.  So finally I reached for my prescription of Xanax and took half a pill.   I took a walk around the store and suddenly felt like I was going to spin out and fall on the floor so I went into the dressing room to sit down.  There is a mirror in there so i did my mirror exercises.   This fucking snake wraps around my neck and the fight I have to put up to get it off leaves me exhausted and tired.   My coworker started to talk to me and I wasn't even listening to him.  I was far away in a fighting ring, trying to unwrap a snake.  

When I was working in the restaurant with Jiz he was already versed to it.  He knew by just looking at me that I was having one.   In the beginning he thought I was full of shit until one day he found me in his office pale as a ghost.   He says I get this vulnerable look and it's true but It's really my scared look.  I also start touching my neck a lot because I like to feel my pulse there.   It feels like I"m going to die.   I hate that I have to live with this and it took me a long time to accept that it's a form of mental illness.  I was doing so good but that is how this works.  I have good days and I have bad days.  My nervous system is shot.   I live my life as therapeutically as possible.  

It makes me sad when I have to reach for the prescription.  It also messed up my mood for the rest of the day at work.   I'm so tired..

I guess we all have our crosses to bare and this mine.  I'm not embarrassed to talk about it because I meet people all the time who have suffered the same as me.  I talk about it a lot to bring some normalcy to it, it's ok that this happens to me.  It's not ok that I beat myself up about it.