Sunday, October 9, 2016

Push me.    Push me off the diving board.   I'm such a snail.

Today a good friend had to make me hear something.   We were talking about an exercise regime for me.   He knows me very well and since he works out all the time he knows what I need.   He wanted to tell me something straight out but he couldn't because it would hurt my feelings.  Maybe he thought it was something I didn't know about myself.    It was almost amusing to hear him stutter.. lol
So then I came out and said it.   My weak point on my body is my stomach.   It sucks for me because I've never had kids so I have no excuse.  The truth is I don't care if I never have a six pack or that it will never be "hard".    I just don't want to look like Jaba The Hut.  If it's a little soft I'm ok with it.   I just don't want it to get out of control.  I would love to have a flat stomache but I don't think it's in my genetics.  A lot of the women in my family have the same problem with it.  When my stomache is flat it means I am as skinny as a twig.  All my curves are gone.  I don't want that.

I like my weigh right now, 140 is good for me.  I'm top heavy, if I wasn't I'd be happy with 132lbs.
I didn't even post about it.   This is my 2nd secret project.

Then he said that I needed to take aerobic classes.   He was right but I didn't want to hear that because I know why he was saying that.   He is ex did it and it changed her body.   Normally that wouldn't bother me but I never liked that bitch.   Crazy psycho.

Then a few hours went by and realized the truth in his logic.    I'll try it.   I just don't like being with too many females in 0ne room.  With yoga it's different.  We are all the same in that room.. It's different, trust me.   It took me a minute to realize I was being petty.   I am can be a real Petty Betty, trust me.    But the good in my heart always wins and I owned up to it.  I need aerobics, I know this.   I know that's why i got so skinny working at Michaels.  I was running in that store, it was a huge spot.  The same is happening now at Atlantic except it's half the effort.   So 45 minutes of cardio it is.  And another 30 minutes of weights.   This will be my life 4 x's a week.

Back to the origin of this post.   Push me off a divingboard.   I am that person who needs to be pushed.  I just wish I met someone who loved to do push me.   I'd have a great time doing it to someone else if it meant I would be propelled to do great things.   Please God.. help me with that.  But I know that my mission in this life is to be the pusher.  ..


Thursday, October 6, 2016

A bus hit me today.

It was about 3pm when I started getting the dizzy spells.  By 4 o'clock on full panic mode.   It just came out of nowhere, nothing triggered it.  I ran outside to sit with my face in the sun to see if I could calm down.    I felt the tears well up and I was not going to allow myself to cry.   It's not my fault these things happen to me.   I don't even know why this appeared in my life 5 years ago.  Everytime I get an attack I feel instant guilt, I feel like this is happening because of something I did .

I sat there, I calmed down a little and I went back inside to work.  I was looking around at everyone hoping nobody noticed that my eyes were red.  I went inside the office to sit down and hoping that maybe being in there would make it go away but it didn't.  So finally I reached for my prescription of Xanax and took half a pill.   I took a walk around the store and suddenly felt like I was going to spin out and fall on the floor so I went into the dressing room to sit down.  There is a mirror in there so i did my mirror exercises.   This fucking snake wraps around my neck and the fight I have to put up to get it off leaves me exhausted and tired.   My coworker started to talk to me and I wasn't even listening to him.  I was far away in a fighting ring, trying to unwrap a snake.  

When I was working in the restaurant with Jiz he was already versed to it.  He knew by just looking at me that I was having one.   In the beginning he thought I was full of shit until one day he found me in his office pale as a ghost.   He says I get this vulnerable look and it's true but It's really my scared look.  I also start touching my neck a lot because I like to feel my pulse there.   It feels like I"m going to die.   I hate that I have to live with this and it took me a long time to accept that it's a form of mental illness.  I was doing so good but that is how this works.  I have good days and I have bad days.  My nervous system is shot.   I live my life as therapeutically as possible.  

It makes me sad when I have to reach for the prescription.  It also messed up my mood for the rest of the day at work.   I'm so tired..

I guess we all have our crosses to bare and this mine.  I'm not embarrassed to talk about it because I meet people all the time who have suffered the same as me.  I talk about it a lot to bring some normalcy to it, it's ok that this happens to me.  It's not ok that I beat myself up about it.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Technology is great.  Me and my niece Facetime'ing  for the first time..  the first of many times I will catch up with her.   I saw her grow up, we all lived in the same house together for the first 5 years of her life.   I can't believe the beautiful kind soul she has grown up to be.   The movie Ouija comes out on October 21st and me and her are going to see it together.   She loves horror movies like her ti ti and father.   We went to see the Ouija movie that came out two years ago and she didn't expect it to be so scary.    lol

This is after the movie

It's been two years so lets see if she can handle this.   I told her she can invite 1 friend and I'll take them out to eat before the movie.   At her age, that's all I ever wanted to do was go to the movies.  I had nobody to take me when I was a kid and it sucked.  That's why, til this day it's one of my favorite things to do.   I don't get to go to often even now as an adult.   I'm going to take them somewhere different than were she usually goes.  She deserves it.   She just started going to school in Springfild, which is a huge difference than being in Newark all her life.  She was scared the first day of school, she thought it was going to be like mean girls.   When in fact she loved it, everyone welcomed her with open arms and she made friends right away.  Go Kayla!  When I was her age I had no problem making friends either.

As much as I advocate for Newark.. this is no place to raise a kid.  It got better for awhile in the early 2000s and now we are right back to the bullshit.   Even I'm tired of living here.  I want to be able to go for walks and bike rides at night and I can't do that anymore.  I'm living in fear of getting mugged every time I walk out my door..   I have to make an escape plan, stat.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

I remember the first time I went to The Limelight.  I was 16 years old and had told my parents I was going to visit my cousin Sandi at Farleigh Dickinson that night.   Instead, me and my sidekick Carmen headed to see her so we can go with her to The Limelight.  She had already gone a few times but she wanted me and my girlfriend to experience it with her.  

So off I went in my most coolest outfit, which at the time was anything that was ripped jeans.   I put on my reddest lipstick and blackest eyeliner and thought I was grown.   I was such a little sneak.. lol   I blame my brother for this because I grew up with him coming in all late from the city all the time.  Who didn't love NYC?  

We got on line and had to wait to be picked.  We were three cute girls, of which only one had ID.  That Drag Queen took one good look at us and knew we were kids.   We smiled at her and she let us in..  yay!! we got in, we got in!!  That was the look on all our faces as we stepped into this whole other crazy world!   It was DARK in there and everything looked so Gothic!   The music was so loud and it was Packed!  Some guy rushed past me with a cane and hooked it on my jacket pocket.  I caught him and he felt so stupid that he ran away.  I swear, he looked like Mr Bean meets Inspector Gadget.  He was weird and so was pretty much almost everyone in there.   It was the early nineties so the Club Kids were still hanging out there.  The place was full of different outrageous characters.

After we got our drinks we walked around on an adventure.  We walked into a few room where everyone looked like they were doing very sketchy things.   We peaked in, and snuck right out.
We danced a lot, we drank a lot..  we fell right into one of those NYC moments.   We left at 5 am so happy and fulfilled and couldn't wait to get to a bed.

It was Good Friday.   We had a good night.    But then we couldn't find our car.

Newbie mistake.. we parked wrong.  They towed my cousins car to the pound.  This was a time when there were no cellphones and we kept numbers in our wallets.  My cousin called her boyfriend Louie in NJ to come to the rescue.  She sobbed and cried him into guilt and submission.  He came to save us.. Finally we get our car out and when we go to get our stuff out of his car...  It was locked!  With the keys inside.  What else could go wrong?

But we finally do make it to her dorm and get a few hours of sleep before she drove me and my friend back home.

This may not be a Oscar winning night but for my 16 year old self, that was epic.  It's always a funny story me and her mention because we always associate Good Friday as a bad day to go out.   A year later I got held at gunpoint at Burger King as I was coming in to work at 5am, on the same day.

The original church in the 40's 

I returned to Limelight many times after that night and always had a good time.   I do remember the dark stairways and stone walls.  It really was an old beautiful church inside.   It's sad to see what they did with it now.

Friday, September 23, 2016

Lordt!  I have a come to Jesus moment today.

This woman really tried to rob me of my peace.   I didn't let her..

One sentence, "Ma'm, I'm not going to argue with you, I am not the one."

she saw it in my eyes.  I know she saw my hands shaking..

They were shaking..   because I knew if I lost my cool I'd make her cry.    Nobody is never making me lose my cool ever again.    That is an old story for in my life.   Letting someone make you angry to the point that you are out of character means you are giving them free money.   If she made the tragic mistake of putting her hands on me, then we'd probably end up on the ground.

I dont' know this chick.  And she's in front of me acting psycho.. I can't assume she isn't going to try and hit me.  People are nuts in this world.  So I moved up to the register area, which puts me in a position that I'm looking down at her.  I had to show her who was in charge..

She picked the wrong one.   My hands were shaking when she kept talking to me like she thought I was stupid.   I kept my cool though but then I had to let her know who she was talking to.  

I didn't want to hurt her.  I could already tell she was in pain... but she needed to shut up and move on.   This was the person that may of cost me my job if I let my animal instincts run wild.

Meditation and yoga saved me from getting fired today.  

At the end of the day I'm a kid from Newark.   I was raised in volatility.

When I meet other people who grew up in Newark, especially if they are black, a lot of them think because I was raised in the Ironbound that I'm not like them.   Being raised in an urban environment makes you different.  trust me.  I'm not saying I'm a tough guy, but I'm not saying I'm no slouch either.   I was seething up at that counter but my empathy was stronger than my anger.  Even when he came to kick her out I still felt bad.   I had to go outside and sit in the sun to calm down.   I have a nervous condition, GAD.. I'm not ashamed to talk about it.    People yelling at me is a trigger and today I am so proud of myself. :)  I finally beat the snake wrapped around my neck.  I looked at her with love even though I felt all of her anger.  Her aura was so dark and I was having a good day before she showed up.  My aura was light... it was sparkling.  I know they were testing me so I did what I always do when I get tested.  I passed.

I lied today.  I told someone I never got into a fight before... I have.  Two.  One in Portugal and one here.. the one here I won.   She deserved it.  It went by very fast.  It was a very long time ago.    I dont' feel bad about it..  I didn't start either one.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

“I had the full princess fantasy: the white horse, the whole being saved from my life, which is ridiculous. What do I want to be saved from? My life’s great!" — Rashida Jones

Then I got told today that I'm just like a man lmao!!!   I do think like them.   I was a tomboy when I was a kid,  girls were boring with their dolls, I wanted bike rides and softball games.  
I'm a guys girl.    I've actually been dumped or rejected by a few people because of this.    They wanted Princess Foo Foo and got Sheena.  It's a misconception about me though because I'm as soft as they come.. but I am also tough.  I had to teach myself to be tough.   I'm a little bit of everything.  Next to my adidas are my beaded bohemian flip flops.  Next to my flip flops are my six inch heals..  I can do it all.   People get so shocked when they see me all dressed up to the 9s.  They act like I'm an idiot who didn't know how to dress and that's why they always see me in hoodies and sneakers.  No.  Tell me we are going somewhere and I clean up nice.       

I Was thinking a lot about past relationships today.  Prob because of the conversation I was having at work.  

We all just want to be loved.    We all want to meet someone we can be ourselves with.  I know I want to be with someone who is just like my best friends.   I got 2 to 4 good friends, 2 of which are my ride or die.   Having a boyfriend like that is the cherry on top.   I'm not in love right now with anyone..  maybe I got a little scared after the last few
relationships where I gave more than I got and ended up feeling used in the end.    I know I'm not going to change being this loving, giving, selfless human but I need to be more careful on who I let into my life because people are savages and leeches.   I've done some really stupid shit for guys, maxing out credit cards on gifts when I didn't even get a birthday card for my bday.  This was a bad pattern for me.   This is how I learned my lessons though.. 

Right now I"m working on myself.   That's my main focus.. I want to get in shape!  I want to make money selling my vintage so I can go on my Nile River cruise.   Or the monkey temple in Bali.   I chose to not have children so I can have the freedom to do these things.  And I haven't done any traveling at all.   I don't want to live in Newark all my life.  It's suffocating.