You're Mean

 A close friend of mine said that to me the other day.    

It's true I can be.    I can be very mean, cold and cutting.   

It's a safety switch I turned on in my brain for myself when I was a kid. 

It always correlates with my feelings being hurt in some way of another.   

My Dr used to say it was because of me not feeling protected growing up.  

I've never been mean to another on purpose in my whole life.    There was always a reason.

And it always involved my feelings being hurt.    Add me being sensitive to the mix.

My feelings got hurt a lot.   I say that because I've toughened up over the years.   

I had to and it was hard.   I needed to be like Sansa and stop being a little bird.

If I didn't have my Venus in Pisces I wouldn't be so sensitive, trust me.   

Three big planets in Aquarius, I can be prone to cutting you into a million pieces.

I'm still healing my inner child.   

I can think back to being 4 years old and starting my first day of kindergarten.   I got there late and we walked in on them doing the Pledge of Allegiance.   There was nowhere for me to sit and I'm in the middle of the classroom at the door crying because everyone was starting at me and I was humiliated.   I can laugh about this now but in the moment, I can still feel how I felt that day.   

I can say that I was truly myself at 4 years old.  The world hadn't taken my innocence yet. 

So, there I was in the front of Lafayette Street Kindergarten classroom, balling.   Til this day I hate attention.    It was the force of the whole classroom looking at me when we walked through the door.   Then I couldn't move until they finished the damn song so it made the whole process feel like it would never end.     I started crying and some really nice pretty teacher came right at me and smiled, took my hand and said, "Aw don't cry". She led me to a seat in the middle of the classroom where I sat and calmed down until they were finished with their song.   I remender I hated that seat, it was so uncomfortable, it was wood from 50s and not the new plastic seats that came out in the 70s. I ended up calming down right away and had a great school year.    

I think what I felt that day was energy.   I felt everyone's annoyance when they turned to look at the door...it hit me hard.    I've always been That sensitive.    

I guess now instead of crying I hit back with my own energy.   My growing process has been learning how to hold up a mirror and deflect it.   But I am human sometimes.    

 If a storm comes up you just have to let it pass.   I've had a lot of people hold my hands throughout my life, it's beautiful.   

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YG Marley and Ms. Lauryn Hill LIVE ON STAGE JAMAICA March 2024 -Praise ...

I am so happy to see Lauryn Hill so happy.   

She's about to get her lick back on this dirty music industry.

They tried to assassinate her character.  Nobody liked that she changed but I didn't care.  I knew she was on mission for herself, I loved the acoustic album, she bared her soul to us.  I was grateful for that.   She's not here to do what we want.  She gave us Miseducation and it was a global success but then she wanted to go deeper.    They wouldn't let her.   She rebelled and broke free... her true fans stuck around.   I love to see her put her son on, and he's good too.   That whole family is solid.. they are such spiritual people.   I always felt Bob Marley was a gift to us like Jesus was...  Not of this world but in this world.    

My morning with ADD

 It's a roller coaster.   Not really that dramatic, I hate roller coasters.   I hate anything with heights and speed....     So not a roller coaster but more like a maize.   I keep walking into dead ends and when I turn back around, I end up at the beginning.   

Me trying to watch an Astrology Video on todays .........

I eventually did everything I was supposed to and am ready to start my day.   It would of taken half the time with anyone else.     

Happy Birthday Chelly

 Every year my Bday comes around and I wish I was 7 again and having a little no frills party in the basement with my cousins.   It was the time of our lives, we were a little gang in that era.  Christmas' used to rock, all of us together was always a good time.  My birthday hasn't felt special for awhile.   It's a reminder of getting old and that sucks.   I'm sure there are lots of people who find this weird and even sad but I don't feel sad about it at all.    I don't need a big deal.    Maybe I'm lying to myself.    I did go out for a birthday brunch with my family, we bunched my brother's bday with mine and we got together.    It was nice, wish my mom wasn't there.   Did I just write that?   We all feel bad for her.    My mom is so non self aware.   It's so hard to reason with someone who isn't self aware, I used to be that someone.  My mom deserves a whole book and I'll save all I have to say for that.     

I turned 49 this year.    I'm such a child though.. the other day at the chiropractor the assistant that works there said she loves the way I dress.  She was trying to tell me she loved my style but seemed nervous to tell me.  It makes me look young she said.  I was wearing some ripped jeans with a camouflage sweater I have had for years.   I love that sweater too.   "You have your own style" That made me so happy.   I didn't know I was such an intimidating person, I've always felt I stayed under the radar.   I made her feel comfortable and joked how I'm so happy she likes it because my mother doesn't.    She looked at me like aww, she can tell i'm older and I guess she heard the pain in my voice.  I didn't even mean to do it because at all costs I will protect my mom.   It's that weird kind of loyalty, blind loyalty.    My mom is one of the very few people that gets that from me.   I can say whatever the fuck I want about her but don't you dare..  That's how loyalty works?   Is that toxic?   Is that how I was programmed to think and even though I know it's wrong, it's what I still do. 

This past summer she started a fight with a neighbor over him parking his commercial vehicle on the street all the time.   He parks in front of her window and that prevents her from being nosey.  I was upstairs in my apt on the 3rd floor when i heard the voice.. her I'm losing my shit voice.    (I have the same voice, $200/hr psychoanalyst.will help u eliminate that voice.)  That's another story that deserves a book.  She picked on a gay man so I knew he wasn't going to back down, he had met his match.  Palmira takes no shit and or prisoners.   After 5 minutes I had to put on my bra and get involved and break it up.   Told him to STFU and go home, didn't have to say anything to her because she got quiet as soon as she heard my voice.   That's what she wanted.    I can give two shits about who parks where, stop disturbing my peace

I can't wait to see the Bob Marley movie and feel the love.   That was his message..peace and love.   He was a good man.   I read Rita's book and I'm waiting for his mother's book to come in the mail.   I have been OD'ing on his music for the last two weeks.  Today was a rough day for me so I listen to his Kaya album on repeat.    Today deserves a chapter in a book.   I learned a lot today and I learned to never stop being me no matter how crazy it looks to other people.   Nobody needs to understand me and the decisions I make, I am all I need to understand me.   It was only in these past 2 years I learned so much about myself.   I've been very lucky to have such beautiful people around me.   They get me and understand me and I never have to worry about being misunderstood.   One of my friends is going through a tough time, something very scary and traumatic happened.    I want to help but they are not letting me for reasons I don't want to talk about.   

Today was heavy.   Then my chiro adjusted me and it was all released.   I have no control over anything except myself and sometimes that is very hard to do.   I want to be Bob Marley and just be in love and in my heart space all the time.