Every year my Bday comes around and I wish I was 7 again and having a little no frills party in the basement with my cousins. It was the time of our lives, we were a little gang in that era. Christmas' used to rock, all of us together was always a good time. My birthday hasn't felt special for awhile. It's a reminder of getting old and that sucks. I'm sure there are lots of people who find this weird and even sad but I don't feel sad about it at all. I don't need a big deal. Maybe I'm lying to myself. I did go out for a birthday brunch with my family, we bunched my brother's bday with mine and we got together. It was nice, wish my mom wasn't there. Did I just write that? We all feel bad for her. My mom is so non self aware. It's so hard to reason with someone who isn't self aware, I used to be that someone. My mom deserves a whole book and I'll save all I have to say for that.
I turned 49 this year. I'm such a child though.. the other day at the chiropractor the assistant that works there said she loves the way I dress. She was trying to tell me she loved my style but seemed nervous to tell me. It makes me look young she said. I was wearing some ripped jeans with a camouflage sweater I have had for years. I love that sweater too. "You have your own style" That made me so happy. I didn't know I was such an intimidating person, I've always felt I stayed under the radar. I made her feel comfortable and joked how I'm so happy she likes it because my mother doesn't. She looked at me like aww, she can tell i'm older and I guess she heard the pain in my voice. I didn't even mean to do it because at all costs I will protect my mom. It's that weird kind of loyalty, blind loyalty. My mom is one of the very few people that gets that from me. I can say whatever the fuck I want about her but don't you dare.. That's how loyalty works? Is that toxic? Is that how I was programmed to think and even though I know it's wrong, it's what I still do.
This past summer she started a fight with a neighbor over him parking his commercial vehicle on the street all the time. He parks in front of her window and that prevents her from being nosey. I was upstairs in my apt on the 3rd floor when i heard the voice.. her I'm losing my shit voice. (I have the same voice, $200/hr psychoanalyst.will help u eliminate that voice.) That's another story that deserves a book. She picked on a gay man so I knew he wasn't going to back down, he had met his match. Palmira takes no shit and or prisoners. After 5 minutes I had to put on my bra and get involved and break it up. Told him to STFU and go home, didn't have to say anything to her because she got quiet as soon as she heard my voice. That's what she wanted. I can give two shits about who parks where, stop disturbing my peace
I can't wait to see the Bob Marley movie and feel the love. That was his message..peace and love. He was a good man. I read Rita's book and I'm waiting for his mother's book to come in the mail. I have been OD'ing on his music for the last two weeks. Today was a rough day for me so I listen to his Kaya album on repeat. Today deserves a chapter in a book. I learned a lot today and I learned to never stop being me no matter how crazy it looks to other people. Nobody needs to understand me and the decisions I make, I am all I need to understand me. It was only in these past 2 years I learned so much about myself. I've been very lucky to have such beautiful people around me. They get me and understand me and I never have to worry about being misunderstood. One of my friends is going through a tough time, something very scary and traumatic happened. I want to help but they are not letting me for reasons I don't want to talk about.
Today was heavy. Then my chiro adjusted me and it was all released. I have no control over anything except myself and sometimes that is very hard to do. I want to be Bob Marley and just be in love and in my heart space all the time.
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