Shitty lipstick

Lordt!  I have a come to Jesus moment today.

This woman really tried to rob me of my peace.   I didn't let her..

One sentence, "Ma'm, I'm not going to argue with you, I am not the one."

she saw it in my eyes.  I know she saw my hands shaking..

They were shaking..   because I knew if I lost my cool I'd make her cry.    Nobody is never making me lose my cool ever again.    That is an old story for in my life.   Letting someone make you angry to the point that you are out of character means you are giving them free money.   If she made the tragic mistake of putting her hands on me, then we'd probably end up on the ground.

I dont' know this chick.  And she's in front of me acting psycho.. I can't assume she isn't going to try and hit me.  People are nuts in this world.  So I moved up to the register area, which puts me in a position that I'm looking down at her.  I had to show her who was in charge..

She picked the wrong one.   My hands were shaking when she kept talking to me like she thought I was stupid.   I kept my cool though but then I had to let her know who she was talking to.  

I didn't want to hurt her.  I could already tell she was in pain... but she needed to shut up and move on.   This was the person that may of cost me my job if I let my animal instincts run wild.

Meditation and yoga saved me from getting fired today.  

At the end of the day I'm a kid from Newark.   I was raised in volatility.

When I meet other people who grew up in Newark, especially if they are black, a lot of them think because I was raised in the Ironbound that I'm not like them.   Being raised in an urban environment makes you different.  trust me.  I'm not saying I'm a tough guy, but I'm not saying I'm no slouch either.   I was seething up at that counter but my empathy was stronger than my anger.  Even when he came to kick her out I still felt bad.   I had to go outside and sit in the sun to calm down.   I have a nervous condition, GAD.. I'm not ashamed to talk about it.    People yelling at me is a trigger and today I am so proud of myself. :)  I finally beat the snake wrapped around my neck.  I looked at her with love even though I felt all of her anger.  Her aura was so dark and I was having a good day before she showed up.  My aura was light... it was sparkling.  I know they were testing me so I did what I always do when I get tested.  I passed.

I lied today.  I told someone I never got into a fight before... I have.  Two.  One in Portugal and one here.. the one here I won.   She deserved it.  It went by very fast.  It was a very long time ago.    I dont' feel bad about it..  I didn't start either one.

“I had the full princess fantasy: the white horse, the whole being saved from my life, which is ridiculous. What do I want to be saved from? My life’s great!" — Rashida Jones

Then I got told today that I'm just like a man lmao!!!   I do think like them.   I was a tomboy when I was a kid,  girls were boring with their dolls, I wanted bike rides and softball games.  

I'm a guys girl.    I've actually been dumped or rejected by a few people because of this.    They wanted Princess Foo Foo and got Sheena.  It's a misconception about me though because I'm as soft as they come.. but I am also tough.  I had to teach myself to be tough.   I'm a little bit of everything.  Next to my adidas are my beaded bohemian flip flops.  Next to my flip flops are my six inch heals..  I can do it all.   People get so shocked when they see me all dressed up to the 9s.  They act like I'm an idiot who didn't know how to dress and that's why they always see me in hoodies and sneakers.  No.  Tell me we are going somewhere and I clean up nice.       

I Was thinking a lot about past relationships today.  Prob because of the conversation I was having at work.  

We all just want to be loved.    We all want to meet someone we can be ourselves with.  I know I want to be with someone who is just like my best friends.   I got 2 to 4 good friends, 2 of which are my ride or die.   Having a boyfriend like that is the cherry on top.   I'm not in love right now with anyone..  maybe I got a little scared after the last few

relationships where I gave more than I got and ended up feeling used in the end.    I know I'm not going to change being this loving, giving, selfless human but I need to be more careful on who I let into my life because people are savages and leeches.   I've done some really stupid shit for guys, maxing out credit cards on gifts when I didn't even get a birthday card for my bday.  This was a bad pattern for me.   This is how I learned my lessons though.. 

Right now I"m working on myself.   That's my main focus.. I want to get in shape!  I want to make money selling my vintage so I can go on my Nile River cruise.   Or the monkey temple in Bali.   I chose to not have children so I can have the freedom to do these things.  And I haven't done any traveling at all.   I don't want to live in Newark all my life.  It's suffocating.   

  

I got my phone..  I got it back yesterday.   I like what I started here because it's like I am holding myself responsible for the things I say I want to do.

I am listing something today.   I actually decided to the last thing I bought at an estate sale.   I've banned myself from them but a couple of weeks ago I snuck away and went to one.   I love old utility boxes.. I love where I find them too.  In the basement in the dark corner where the husbands snuck away to when they wanted peace and quiet.  I love anything industrial and Old.   He's a beautiful boy this one.. the color is great.   Someone will want him.

I'm going to have to start going again because I'm styling a friends wedding with some pieces.   I have some in storage but I need to find a few more things.   I have this Sunday off, I can start there.   So that's exciting, she won't be keeping my pieces though.  I am lending them to her, I won't charge her because she's family.  She wants luggage.. I have lots of old luggage.    It's actually my favorite thing to buy, it always sells. It's all in my storage unit that I paid a fortune to today.   It hurt to pay that but I needed to get that whole situation in order again.   I'll be there Sunday.   Hopefully I can get the key this weekend or else I'll have to pay $15..no biggie but it's still wasted money.

I have to step up my exercise regime.   I'm actually going to take it down early today so I can do some Pilates and squats.  Going to set my clock to 7am and go do half an hour of sprinting at the stadium.   I made it up..I sprint from one side to another then I walk half of the stadium to cool down from the sprint.  I do the same pattern for 10 sprints.  It's what Kim Kardashian's trainer made her do to lose the baby weight.   It worked.. so I'm going to try it.  The stadium is a few blocks away, gives me enough time to come home shower and go to work.   I can do this.

I was supposed to go get my blood test results from my Dr but won't make it in the morning.  I suppose if I was dying they would of called me already.   I'll go next Tuesday when I"m off.  I'm back on my full herbals and supplement regiment.  I'm taking all these pills every day.

Spirulina for alkalinity
Herbs for my Gall Bladder.   A couple of years ago a little blip went off in my blood test with my gall bladder.  The doctor thought I had stones but when they did a Ultrasound I was fine.  When I was working at the restaurant a felt a dull sharp pain in that area of my body.  It was getting activated by stress and it kind of went away but I still feel it here and there.   So I got my trusty herbs from my favorite herbalist ever..  Hanna Kroeger.    Let's see if this works in 40 days.  
I also bought her probiotic formula.   I swear by her stuff.. it's all natural.    I'm also making sure my adrenal glands are being taken care of.   As we get older we need to help our bodies with the healing process.  We need to make sure we are being rejuvenated.   We all grow old but we don't need to help the process along.

I'm going through a external change right now and I've decided to track my progress with it separately.  In a year, I'll reveal it from beginning to end.  I'm on assignment with myself.  I love to be open with people,..but this is like an experiment I'm doing on myself.  I need time.

There is something has been weighing heavily on my conscious and that is how I have lost touch with Old Man Mike.  Or Mike..I met him at the restaurant.  He helped us build it actually.. he's a carpenter by trade and awesome by birth.   We bonded through Kid Rock..  I only liked one song and that All Summer Long.. that was my jam.  And surprise, it was his too!  So on the long days of me upholstering and him painting and sawing we became friends.   Although I'm not being a good friend right now.. I have seen him in over a month and I've flaked on two of his calls.   I don't know why I do this..  It's painful to see him and be reminded of that place.   But I'm going to change that starting tomorrow.   I'm going to do start driving down the street after getting my coffee and see if I catch him outside.  He was always waiting for me outside when I used to work at the restaurant.  I love Mike.. despite all his struggles, he's still a beautiful soul.  He wouldn't hurt a fly.   I always attract the oldest souls, because I'm one too.



I miss him..  all he wants in life is someone to have a Coors light with him and let him listen to Kid Rock.    I look like shit in this picture because I'm tired, I just had a pre-cancerous mole removed from my arm that morning and.  Even with the local anesthesia, it still  hurt.   It was Cinco De Mayo and I celebrated with him and some Coors.  I look like I had too much fun. lol Life is short, I was reminded of it that morning.   I'm chunky in this picture but I got really skinny when the restaurant opened.  Too skinny.. I need to find a healthy balance, I like my curves.. I just need them to be a little tighter.  It's not too much to ask from myself.  So sprinting I go.

Time to disconnect... going to watch some Sex and the City on bootleg tv..  :)  

I feel like the homeless person staring through the window of a restaurant... except it's on my iPhone. I can see my messages and phone calls coming through my screen but I can't click on them or look at them.    I'm not mad though.    I'm much more productive without my phone around.  

So tomorrow I'm going to the storage unit, to pay it and then I'm going to move into a smaller one.   The big one was good because I was sharing it with a friend but he took his stuff and I don't need that humongous space.   I have merchandise her at the apt and I still have to go to my other spot across town and get the rest of my boxes.   Boxes!   I really want to get my phone fixed so I can start listing again.  

Then I'm heading to Short Hills Mall and go to the Apple store.  I hope they give me a new phone.    I do not want to go through insurance.  I know I destroy most of my phones but this phone I've been extra careful with.   I haven't cracked the screen once since I got it back in December.   That's major for me and my clumsiness.  So I"m wishing for the best tomorrow.. I know Mercury Retrograde doesn't want me to be great this month.   I know that whatever they decide about this phone I know it wasn't me and it's going to suck to have to buy a new phone.   Not cool Apple!  I always take responsibility when something is my fault and I know this time it wasn't me.    Let's see what happens tomorrow...

It rained today.   I had the best walk to my car.    It was raining hard too.. every heavy drop had a different sound.   I got to work so Zen..  my co worker said I was glowing.   That's exactly how I felt though.. I'm the one who hates summer but loves the rest of the seasons.

On the agenda for tonight..  A rouge glass of wine and an episode of The Voice.  Only because the beautiful and talented Alicia Keys is a judge this season.  I love her.   She's so sincere..


 

I got so stressed out an hour ago because my phone stopped working on me.   It was so ridiculous that I had to pull over and take a deep breath.   Is this how attached I've become to technology?    I had tears in my eyes because of the frustration I was feeling.   I had to surrender to the moment..   I will not have an phone for the next few days.   First, I only was able to get an appt with the Apple Store on Tuesday and Second, even if they fix it I will probably still have to wait for my new phone to arrive a day or two.   

I accept it.    I'm not part of the Matrix when I'm driving.    At home I still have my computer so if there is an emergency someone can reach me through Facebook.    I like to be informed, I'm always up with current events but maybe I shouldn't be so much.   My heavy spiritual side needs this... it's a mental break.   I already have my next few days planned out without my phone.  Tomorrow I work so I don't need my phone while there.   I gave the number to the store to a few people in case there is an emergency.    I can't go for my walk/run at the park because I don't have any music to listen to.  I can't workout without music so I'll do a pilates routine at home.    

I was reading my old blogs to see if I have accomplished anything since then.   The whole time I worked at the restaurant I did not post a thing.  6 months of so much stress..  There were lots of good times and an amazing learning experience.   It breaks my heart to drive by it everyday and see our awning with the Ecuadorian flag hanging under it.    It's my beautiful little restaurant that I help my amazing friend build.   We tried so hard to keep it going but it wasn't in the cards.   It's not easy running a restaurant, especially a Cuban one.  I'm not going to call it a failure, we could of stayed open and kept trucking and  I know we would of eventually got it right.   I know what I learned there.. how to be more tolerant of difficult people.   And everything about the restaurant business.   Knowing what we know now, we shouldn't of opened so soon.   We needed more time to plan.   It's ok.. it wasn't meant to be.  

I need to make a decision about Brick City Vintage.  It's shit or get off the pot Michelle.    I'm sitting on hundreds of pieces of merchandise and not doing anything.   If I don't start selling what I have then I"m going to give it away.   I'm going to challenge myself these next two days without my phone.   One item a day.   I just need that push to start and I"m good.   I have time after or even before work and if I can't do that then I clearly suck at life.   That's it.   I wrote it.  sidenote:  I can't list without my phone because I don't have a digital camera.   I need to extend my deadline for this lol 

My cat is dying.   I've had him for 16 years, so it's been bittersweet around here.   He's always been my sad skittish cat.   He came from a toxic environment and I haven't been able to help him shake his nervousness.  If I have to eventually euthanize him, it will be the first time I'll ever get to really hold him and cuddle with him.   My friend told me they give them a muscle relaxant before they put them down.  That's when I'm going to hug him for a good while.   I've always wanted to hug this poor little emotionally traumatized cat.  I'm a hugger and it sucks that I've never been able to do that with him.  

He's really skinny so I know it can be any day now.. he's lasted a week so I'm not completely giving up on him yet.

See what happens when I don't have my phone.. 

and the last thing I need to prep for..  I'm going to do a cleanse.   I'm going to follow Kris Carr's book.  That will start the first week of October.  I am going to bust out her book today and make a list off all the things I will need.   I know my grocery bill is going to be different those weeks.   This is going to involve meal planning and I'll even have to bring food to work.   My only problem will be that I don't have a juicer, so I will have to replace all the juice recipes with smoothies.   To be quite honest, I've been reading on juicing and it's actually not all it's cracked up to be.  Smoothies are way better, you use every piece of the fruits and veggies.  Juicing just mashes everything and then you are left with a bag of mashed vegetables.   I need to buy a better blender and that won't be cheap.  

and lastly.    I need to fix my car so I can make it to my yoga class all the way in west bumblefuck.  I like my teacher, I'd drive to hell for her class.  My car needs to be fixed very soon so maybe this cleanse can wait til November.   I want to really chronicle it and take before and after pictures.   

I'm done for today, going to sit on my couch and watch some HOmeland on Hulu.    Which also reminds me, I"m still debating whether or not get cable again?   I've been perfectly happy with my Netflix and Hulu.. I'm saving money.   TV is a distraction away from my creative side.   I have to make sure I keep this healthy balance going.  That's they only way I can keep my Uranus happy in my 6th house of work.   I can do this.  I can have a full time job and do my online business.  I know I can.   The shipping will get hectic but I'll just let everyone know in my auctions I only mail twice a week.  As long as I say that I'm covered.   Stepping into Astrologer mode now...   So Uranus is this big fiery planet of action and sudden changes.   It likes to be fulfilled.  If when I was born he was in my 6th house of work and health then those are the things he wants me to be fulfilled in.   Work can't be routine or boring.  So basically, no cubicles for me.  Not anymore.   

So here it is my plan.   I never do anything that I don't write down first.   

Now I can go watch tv. :)