I'm sitting on the couch in my parent's marital home in Portugal. This time, I'm here for a month—last year, it was just three weeks. My goal is to eventually spend June through September here, like I did as a teenager. I was sent in exile from Newark to stay with my maternal grandmother when I was 13 and boy did I hate in the beginning. I'd call my parents crying and begging to come back but they stayed steady. I never asked or found out why they sent me here alone, but I'm glad they did. That summer of 88 I made so many friends and had so much fun that by September I was begging to not come back. One day, I'll write a book about it—I already have the intro, but it'll take many summers here to finish. There's no other place where I can write this story but here. It's late as I'm writing this, and I can hear the ocean and the waves crashing from our house. The ocean was rough today; it's a New Moon in Leo, so o mar está bravo. This place has always been so healing for me, it truly changed my life and probably even saved it. Although this year I wasn't as excited about coming as I usually am. Even the day I arrived, I wanted to fly back home and it bothered me so much to feel that way. Catharsis is like that, though. Something is shifting, and change is never easy—maybe that's why, subconsciously, I was fighting coming here. Us humans do not like change.
Today I took my usual walk on the beach, but this time at the end of my walk I layed down on the sand and closed my eyes. I was laying there listening to the ocean speaking to me. There were people walking by and probably wondering what I was doing, but I didn’t care. The ocean screamed at me to stop caring about what people think and to lay there unapologetically. It felt amazing to let go, be free and do what I wanted without a care in the world. I asked for answers, and the ocean delivered. After an hour, I stood up and searched for the biggest rock I could find. When I found it, I held it in my hand and I whispered into it, pouring every piece of fear and doubt everyone placed inside of me. Then I hurled it far into the ocean where all my fears will stay from now on. I’m done conforming to others expectations of who I should be, when my uniqueness is my gift. Everything ingrained in me by people too scared to live on their own terms is now gone, thrown into the ocean. I’m done with all of it. My healing journey is complete, and one day, I’ll share the story without caring who approves.
The beauty of today was discovering a little rock right after I tossed the larger one. It was in the shape of a heart, a gift from the ocean. That was enough for me. People come and go, loving me one day and being indifferent the next, and that’s okay. There’s not a single person in this world who can change who I was born to be or what’s destined for me. I deserve to be happy and loved despite everyone who has tried to dampen that for me. I'm weird they say, that's fine with me.
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