Family Tree

 How excited am I right now.   I woke up not caring about my birthday at all, I even forgot about it in those first few seconds you wake up confused out of your sleep.   Got up and did all my regular things and then went to check my email when I saw one from Geni wishing me a Happy Birthday.   I don't know why I decided to log into this old family tree website.  Almost everyone in my family is signed up and we are all connected there.   When it's someone's birthday on a tree an email goes out to everyone on it to remind them of your birthday.   It also includes your age and that is where I had to stop the line.    As I was logged in there I noticed the old ass picture I have up on Catamaran in Sandy Hook Bay.. that' had to be like 2010 or 11.   I immediately changed it to my 8 year old self sitting on my favorite fountain in Matosinhos Portugal.   I still need to go back and change that showing the age option but that is not why the Universe sent me into this Geni rabbit hole today.   I noticed the family tree said I have a half sister, when i clicked on the picture it was me in 2009.. I must of created a different account at one point.    Then I noticed she.. me.. had a whole family tree up.    I FOUND IT!!  I can't believe I found it.   

When my dad got diagnosed with Melanoma and getting Interferon chemo treatment up at Saint Barnabas twice a week, I used to go with him and one day I decided to pick his brain.    My father had the most amazing memory and he told the best stories.  He was quiet because he was an observer and he paid attention to everything.    I remember that year we started his family tree from his grandparents and on..    It was fun doing this with him that afternoon because he remembered everyone's middle name and everything.   I gave up on this project because I lost this list.   One day I log into Geni and the tree isn't there and I got so upset.   What I found today was my birthday gift from my dad... I feel him this morning and he was in my dreams last night.  We were in Torreira.   I don't know people don't believe in life after death.   Energy never dies..  I think my father was a really good friend in a past life with me.  I beleive in reincarnation and I believe when we come down to the earth plane to learn our lessons, sometimes a friend tags along to help you out.   His short time here was to make sure there was a balance in my home life.    He gave me that normalcy the best way he could.   

When I went to Portugal in 2022 I went to the cemetery and took pictures of all grave sites, because they all have photos in Europe.   Now I can start adding the pictures to the family tree I'm building.   Everyone should be interested in their genealogy.   In order to understand myself, I need to understand my mother, her mother, her mother's mother.   Our ancestors are part of our DNA..they are in us.   I did that dna kit with ancestory and of course i'm 98% from the region my parents are from in Portugal.   Hundreds of years of my ancestors being near the ocean, is it no wonder I was like a fish the first time my dad introduced me to the waters of Sandy Hook Bay?   The beach is my familiar place.   That is why I used to love to go the music conference in Miami all those years.   We didn't even go to the sand, just being on that rooftop looking at the ocean, smelling the air, was it.   I wish I was near the ocean now at this moment instead of looking out into gloomy day here in Newark.    

I always say every year that I going to Jamaica for my birthday.   I'll say it again... Maybe next year.   

Off to take my birthday shower where I use water to manifest my dreams for next year.

Thanks for the gift dad.   

Gravitus

The Sun hasn't been out in like 3 days.   What a difference that makes on someone like me, I love the feel of it's energy.   Although, I can say that the sun feels different in other parts of the world.   It feels different in Portugal, it feels different in Miami and it definitely feels different here.   

I was born and raised and live in Newark... but I am not of Newark.    Maybe that's why I always felt stuck here.     As a freedom loving Aquarius Moon Child, I will never function at 100% where I feel stuck. 

Here comes Pluto for the next 20 years... just blowing into my sign all guns blazing.  If I signal him, he will fuck everything up, burn it to the ground, pulvarize it into dust.. and go... Here, no more of that shit.  That's what you wanted right?   

This is all happening high on my chart.   

Pluto can be very destructive, but I am a true Aquarius and Saturn the father of discipline runs it all there 24/7.   Pluto is going to have to pump the brakes, let's talk this through before you go flying your dragon everywhere and burning villages.     What I need from Pluto in Aquarius from the next 20 years, is to be Brave... Gravatas.   Pluto gives Power to destroy things, so I have to learn to wield that power and channel it into Work...  Into Writing.    Into Selling.    Into Learning More.    When all of these things are flowing, in a fruitful and positive way, that is when I will feel the power.   

The whole key is to not be ruthless.    With ourselves, with other people.   

It's been a tremendous 3 years since my father passed away.    I want to step back into life as gently as possible but with Pluto there is always Chaos.    It's gonna be there and I'm going to have to just accept it.   I think as long as you have a pretty good understanding of who you and you already know what your weakness are... then you are good.  Now when my weaknesses pop up, I acknowledge them, I hug them and I say to myself, "Now there is something I need to work on."   No need to pretend they don't exist anymore.....  Yes, I have a bad temper.  It's hard to not take the stupid things people do personally for me.   If could be the lady cutting me off on the highway...   it could be my mom repeating herself a million times about how my hair looks better like and like that.    Why didn't it take me so long to learn that it's not about me?   I wish I could have learned this in school.   

Back to Pluto.   

I appreciate you.   I want to use you, not you use me.    I feel your presence in Aquarius already...and it's only 1 degree.    Pretty soon you will all the way moved into my house..  and you will stay for 20 years.   I'll give you the nice and big guestroom and you can chill.    I'll call on your sword when needed but just fall back.    I already have my moon, mercury and Sun there.... plus my Midheaven.  As he moves through my sign in  the next 20 years he will cross over my 3 planets and those are the times I will have to pay attention to my horoscope.    I just want him to be comfortable on his visit...He's free to roam but I'll call u, don't call me.   Even if you see someone yelling at me and shit, I just need you to fall back.. I got this.  

While Pluto is here visiting my house I will call on him to help with my listening.  Less Talking.   When he goes over my Mercury in Aquarius is when I'll light a blue candle to have him help me there.   Instead of explosions like he likes... Saturn will be with me to teach me to be Nice, Sweet, Caring...to everyone.   I already know how to do that with the people i love, to do this with everyone shouldn't be difficult as long as i stay true to myself and be honest.   I don't know how to fake it, this will involve me taking down all the old structures.    People are hurting out there, empathy is scarce.   I have red flags and they usually involve pointing my finger @ people or the whisper in my ear, judging.   I know now, that if I change, so will my world

That doesn't mean I have to be a punk bitch though.  I will be here with Pluto and my Queen of Swords.... listening better, working on my weaknesses and accepting them more.. being brave, believing in myself more.   The other day I said to someone that my life was boring.   I've been through so much trauma that saying that wasn't a bad thing.   It just means that everything is calm.   I wish I had more to say when people ask me what's going on.  Oh nothing.. Just hanging in there and hoping for something better.   I have to start being better.   I'm not going to beat myself up because I've come a long way but I know there is room for improvement.   It means keeping myself in a positive mindset and making sure I only keep people around me who I know genuinely love me.