I'm at that age where I'm going to all the Dr appointments I used to take my dad to. I remember when I took him to his colonoscopy, he was always super nervous when we went. My Dad was really good at hiding how he really felt, but I knew. I imagine he felt what I did, that I wasn't going to wake up from the anesthesia. I remember thinking back then, one day it will be me in one of these rooms and wondering what I would need the most. I would need for people to speak to me like nothing was going on, it was no big deal, and that's what happened. I was in the procedure room with 4 nurses, and they were talking about movies and shows, and I of course chimed in. Needless to say I had the best 45-minute nap of my life and now I know why Michael Jackson liked the profonol. It was a deep sleep.
I thought a lot about my dad yesterday. He would prob still be here if he took better care of himself and then Covid wouldn't of took him from us. I warned him so many times that he needed to be careful because if he caught Covid he would die. I was very blunt with him and I know he got it. I know this because of the day we had to carry him out of the house to the car to take him to the ER. I knew he wasn't coming back, I reached into the car with no mask and gave him the biggest hug possible. I heard him say to me, "Eu sei." I know. He was in the hospital maybe 2 days when we got the call that his organs were shutting down and he didn't have long. We agreed we wouldn't put him on a respirator because it wouldn't solve anything, it would just prolong his death. My father had congestive heart failure and was on blood thinners and a ton of other medication. His kidney's went first ..
When we got to St Barnabas that day we could only go up one at a time. When it was my turn to go up to the room to say goodbye, I was so out of it that I bypassed the nurses station and just walked into his room with no protective gear at all. There was my dad, looking so frail on that hospital bed and I could tell by the movements of his head he was fighting, like he always did. I reached down to touch his chest and he was so hot from the fever that I burst into tears right there. I told him, my last words.. "You can stop fighting, you can go. It's ok, we will all be ok." I told him that we all loved him and he was a good father and he took care of us. I was sorry we couldn't be with him in his final moments two hours later. Nobody deserves to die like that.. being alone in a hospital room is not a good feeling.
I remember when the Dr called me that afteroon to tell me he was gone. She sounded so sad and tired and she probably made 5 other calls that day for the same thing. I didn't want to get emotional with her and I was already prepared for this news. I just hope that day my calmness gave a little respite from the awful reality she was living through. We don't give enough credit to the medical staff that had to live through this and how much damage it did to their mental health.
I hate how people dismiss Covid. I got to experience his ugly effects first hand and it's not fair to say that it only affects the sick and weak. My dad would of lived and stay with us a little longer if it wasn't for that. My father was really a beautiful gentle soul who just wanted the simple things in life. I miss him. I had so many more questions to ask him.. I regret not going to Portugal while whe was still alive and it now only after his death that I start going again. I feel the closest to him when I'm there.. I believe in that life after death energy. They linger, they come to check on you. I stay present more since he left just so I can hear the messages. Since he left I have been thinking more about what him and my mom did in the 70s. They came over here with near to nothing.. I know get to sit a room of a piece of what was the fruit of his labors. We can sell now and get out. Or we can add to it. Me and my brother haven't had that conversation yet, but my mother is on board for anything but here.
