A bus hit me today.

It was about 3pm when I started getting the dizzy spells.  By 4 o'clock on full panic mode.   It just came out of nowhere, nothing triggered it.  I ran outside to sit with my face in the sun to see if I could calm down.    I felt the tears well up and I was not going to allow myself to cry.   It's not my fault these things happen to me.   I don't even know why this appeared in my life 5 years ago.  Everytime I get an attack I feel instant guilt, I feel like this is happening because of something I did .

I sat there, I calmed down a little and I went back inside to work.  I was looking around at everyone hoping nobody noticed that my eyes were red.  I went inside the office to sit down and hoping that maybe being in there would make it go away but it didn't.  So finally I reached for my prescription of Xanax and took half a pill.   I took a walk around the store and suddenly felt like I was going to spin out and fall on the floor so I went into the dressing room to sit down.  There is a mirror in there so i did my mirror exercises.   This fucking snake wraps around my neck and the fight I have to put up to get it off leaves me exhausted and tired.   My coworker started to talk to me and I wasn't even listening to him.  I was far away in a fighting ring, trying to unwrap a snake.

When I was working in the restaurant with Jiz he was already versed to it.  He knew by just looking at me that I was having one.   In the beginning he thought I was full of shit until one day he found me in his office pale as a ghost.   He says I get this vulnerable look and it's true but It's really my scared look.  I also start touching my neck a lot because I like to feel my pulse there.   It feels like I"m going to die.   I hate that I have to live with this and it took me a long time to accept that it's a form of mental illness.  I was doing so good but that is how this works.  I have good days and I have bad days.  My nervous system is shot.   I live my life as therapeutically as possible.

It makes me sad when I have to reach for the prescription.  It also messed up my mood for the rest of the day at work.   I'm so tired..

I guess we all have our crosses to bare and this mine.  I'm not embarrassed to talk about it because I meet people all the time who have suffered the same as me.  I talk about it a lot to bring some normalcy to it, it's ok that this happens to me.  It's not ok that I beat myself up about it.