You're Mean

 A close friend of mine said that to me the other day.    

It's true I can be.    I can be very mean, cold and cutting.   

It's a safety switch I turned on in my brain for myself when I was a kid. 

It always correlates with my feelings being hurt in some way of another.   

My Dr used to say it was because of me not feeling protected growing up.  

I've never been mean to another on purpose in my whole life.    There was always a reason.

And it always involved my feelings being hurt.    Add me being sensitive to the mix.

My feelings got hurt a lot.   I say that because I've toughened up over the years.   

I had to and it was hard.   I needed to be like Sansa and stop being a little bird.

If I didn't have my Venus in Pisces I wouldn't be so sensitive, trust me.   

Three big planets in Aquarius, I can be prone to cutting you into a million pieces.

I'm still healing my inner child.   

I can think back to being 4 years old and starting my first day of kindergarten.   I got there late and we walked in on them doing the Pledge of Allegiance.   There was nowhere for me to sit and I'm in the middle of the classroom at the door crying because everyone was starting at me and I was humiliated.   I can laugh about this now but in the moment, I can still feel how I felt that day.   

I can say that I was truly myself at 4 years old.  The world hadn't taken my innocence yet. 

So, there I was in the front of Lafayette Street Kindergarten classroom, balling.   Til this day I hate attention.    It was the force of the whole classroom looking at me when we walked through the door.   Then I couldn't move until they finished the damn song so it made the whole process feel like it would never end.     I started crying and some really nice pretty teacher came right at me and smiled, took my hand and said, "Aw don't cry". She led me to a seat in the middle of the classroom where I sat and calmed down until they were finished with their song.   I remender I hated that seat, it was so uncomfortable, it was wood from 50s and not the new plastic seats that came out in the 70s. I ended up calming down right away and had a great school year.    

I think what I felt that day was energy.   I felt everyone's annoyance when they turned to look at the door...it hit me hard.    I've always been That sensitive.    

I guess now instead of crying I hit back with my own energy.   My growing process has been learning how to hold up a mirror and deflect it.   But I am human sometimes.    

 If a storm comes up you just have to let it pass.   I've had a lot of people hold my hands throughout my life, it's beautiful.   

<script async src="https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js?client=ca-pub-0259942983435416"
     crossorigin="anonymous"></script>