Dad's two year Death Anniversary

 I'm at that age where I'm going to all the Dr appointments I used to take my dad to.   I remember when I took him to his colonoscopy, he was always super nervous when we went.   My Dad was really good at hiding how he really felt, but I knew.   I imagine he felt what I did, that I wasn't going to wake up from the anesthesia.   I remember thinking back then, one day it will be me in one of these rooms and wondering what I would need the most.    I would need for people to speak to me like nothing was going on, it was no big deal, and that's what happened.    I was in the procedure room with 4 nurses, and they were talking about movies and shows, and I of course chimed in.  Needless to say I had the best 45-minute nap of my life and now I know why Michael Jackson liked the profonol.  It was a deep sleep.      

I thought a lot about my dad yesterday.   He would prob still be here if he took better care of himself and then Covid wouldn't of took him from us.   I warned him so many times that he needed to be careful because if he caught Covid he would die.   I was very blunt with him and I know he got it.   I know this because of the day we had to carry him out of the house to the car to take him to the ER.    I knew he wasn't coming back, I reached into the car with no mask and gave him the biggest hug possible.   I heard him say to me, "Eu sei."   I know.    He was in the hospital maybe 2 days when we got the call that his organs were shutting down and he didn't have long.    We agreed we wouldn't put him on a respirator because it wouldn't solve anything, it would just prolong his death.   My father had congestive heart failure and was on blood thinners and a ton of other medication.   His kidney's went first ..   

When we got to St Barnabas that day we could only go up one at a time.   When it was my turn to go up to the room to say goodbye, I was so out of it that I bypassed the nurses station and just walked into his room with no protective gear at all.   There was my dad, looking so frail on that hospital bed and I could tell by the movements of his head he was fighting, like he always did.   I reached down to touch his chest and he was so hot from the fever that I burst into tears right there.  I told him, my last words.. "You can stop fighting, you can go.  It's ok, we will all be ok."  I told him that we all loved him and he was a good father and he took care of us.   I was sorry we couldn't be with him in his final moments two hours later.   Nobody deserves to die like that..  being alone in a hospital room is not a good feeling.   

I remember when the Dr called me that afteroon to tell me he was gone.   She sounded so sad and tired and she probably made 5 other calls that day for the same thing.   I didn't want to get emotional with her and I was already prepared for this news.   I just hope that day my calmness gave a little respite from the awful reality she was living through.   We don't give enough credit to the medical staff that had to live through this and how much damage it did to their mental health.   

 I hate how people dismiss Covid.    I got to experience his ugly effects first hand and it's not fair to say that it only affects the sick and weak.   My dad would of lived and stay with us a little longer if it wasn't for that.  My father was really a beautiful gentle soul who just wanted the simple things in life.   I miss him.    I had so many more questions to ask him.. I regret not going to Portugal while whe was still alive and it now only after his death that I start going again.   I feel the closest to him when I'm there..     I believe in that life after death energy.   They linger, they come to check on you.    I stay present more since he left just so I can hear the messages.   Since he left I have been thinking more about what him and my mom did in the 70s.  They came over here with near to nothing..   I know get to sit a room of a piece of what was the fruit of his labors.   We can sell now and get out.   Or we can add to it.   Me and my brother haven't had that conversation yet, but my mother is on board for anything but here.   

Vintage Luggage are the Best Luggage

My find this past weekend.   It's in almost new condition.  

 Vintage Invicta briefcase.  

                                             

                 Found a Penny inside.  Pennies from Heaven. 1969                  

 Thank you Mary!  I'll take good care of it. 

Thinking about 2020

Putting my intention out there.   I want one of these and I will have it before 2020.   I've seen them at sales but I don't want to cough up the $$ for it yet.  I'm doing it next year because we belong together.  

I'm on a IG hiatus because I made a promise to Our Lady of Fatima while my dad was in the hospital.   Portuguese folks are big on Fatima and I was raised in this culture of saints and magic.  

I believe in sacrifice.   Doesn't have to be animals and humans...  a sacrifice can be anything you have to give up that you love.  I love Instagram..  maybe I kind of cheated because I still have FB but it's not the same to me.  FB is more talking.   

The year is almost ending and this is when I have to start thinking about my future.    This year started out so rough and boy did it teach me a big lesson.   phew!   It was heavy but I made it, like I always do.   I'm diehard like a motha... My ex boyfriend's mother used to call me that.    My stubborness is all over my natal chart.  It's real.. 

It's been 10 years since I trecked into Manhattan every weekend and went to Astrology School for 6 months.   The best thing I ever did..  still learning years later.   I love teaching people about it.   Next year I hope to go back and take the Intermediate Class.   I did before but I want to brush up on it and I want to see my awesome teacher again.  

Another thing for 2020.   My shit list needs to be burned.   There is only one person on it but this is major for me.  As of right now, if I see this person, it will be on site.  I've been wanting to smack the shit of 'it" for a long time.  You just don't fuck with my car.   That's a no no.  I'm getting older and more mature and shouldn't be fighting.  If you know me then you understand...   

I don't hate nobody as of right now.  People piss me off here and there but that doesn't mean I hate them.    If anything, I spend a lot of time trying to understand people.   

There is more things I want but there is power in silence too.   

Right now, my astrology is saying to blog and write and be creative.   There will be a healthy balance of social media and real life.   I don't have shit to prove to anyone. 

ps.  My grammar has always sucked but that may be due to my laziness to proof read anything.  I'm a more of a stream of consciousness type of writer.  Don't think, just write.

Can you imagine how much it would cost to make something like this in this lifetime? 

The Breakers

A bus hit me today.

It was about 3pm when I started getting the dizzy spells.  By 4 o'clock on full panic mode.   It just came out of nowhere, nothing triggered it.  I ran outside to sit with my face in the sun to see if I could calm down.    I felt the tears well up and I was not going to allow myself to cry.   It's not my fault these things happen to me.   I don't even know why this appeared in my life 5 years ago.  Everytime I get an attack I feel instant guilt, I feel like this is happening because of something I did .

I sat there, I calmed down a little and I went back inside to work.  I was looking around at everyone hoping nobody noticed that my eyes were red.  I went inside the office to sit down and hoping that maybe being in there would make it go away but it didn't.  So finally I reached for my prescription of Xanax and took half a pill.   I took a walk around the store and suddenly felt like I was going to spin out and fall on the floor so I went into the dressing room to sit down.  There is a mirror in there so i did my mirror exercises.   This fucking snake wraps around my neck and the fight I have to put up to get it off leaves me exhausted and tired.   My coworker started to talk to me and I wasn't even listening to him.  I was far away in a fighting ring, trying to unwrap a snake.

When I was working in the restaurant with Jiz he was already versed to it.  He knew by just looking at me that I was having one.   In the beginning he thought I was full of shit until one day he found me in his office pale as a ghost.   He says I get this vulnerable look and it's true but It's really my scared look.  I also start touching my neck a lot because I like to feel my pulse there.   It feels like I"m going to die.   I hate that I have to live with this and it took me a long time to accept that it's a form of mental illness.  I was doing so good but that is how this works.  I have good days and I have bad days.  My nervous system is shot.   I live my life as therapeutically as possible.

It makes me sad when I have to reach for the prescription.  It also messed up my mood for the rest of the day at work.   I'm so tired..

I guess we all have our crosses to bare and this mine.  I'm not embarrassed to talk about it because I meet people all the time who have suffered the same as me.  I talk about it a lot to bring some normalcy to it, it's ok that this happens to me.  It's not ok that I beat myself up about it.

I remember the first time I went to The Limelight.  I was 16 years old and had told my parents I was going to visit my cousin Sandi at Farleigh Dickinson that night.   Instead, me and my sidekick Carmen headed to see her so we can go with her to The Limelight.  She had already gone a few times but she wanted me and my girlfriend to experience it with her.  

So off I went in my most coolest outfit, which at the time was anything that was ripped jeans.   I put on my reddest lipstick and blackest eyeliner and thought I was grown.   I was such a little sneak.. lol   I blame my brother for this because I grew up with him coming in all late from the city all the time.  Who didn't love NYC?  

We got on line and had to wait to be picked.  We were three cute girls, of which only one had ID.  That Drag Queen took one good look at us and knew we were kids.   We smiled at her and she let us in..  yay!! we got in, we got in!!  That was the look on all our faces as we stepped into this whole other crazy world!   It was DARK in there and everything looked so Gothic!   The music was so loud and it was Packed!  Some guy rushed past me with a cane and hooked it on my jacket pocket.  I caught him and he felt so stupid that he ran away.  I swear, he looked like Mr Bean meets Inspector Gadget.  He was weird and so was pretty much almost everyone in there.   It was the early nineties so the Club Kids were still hanging out there.  The place was full of different outrageous characters.

After we got our drinks we walked around on an adventure.  We walked into a few room where everyone looked like they were doing very sketchy things.   We peaked in, and snuck right out.
We danced a lot, we drank a lot..  we fell right into one of those NYC moments.   We left at 5 am so happy and fulfilled and couldn't wait to get to a bed.

It was Good Friday.   We had a good night.    But then we couldn't find our car.

Newbie mistake.. we parked wrong.  They towed my cousins car to the pound.  This was a time when there were no cellphones and we kept numbers in our wallets.  My cousin called her boyfriend Louie in NJ to come to the rescue.  She sobbed and cried him into guilt and submission.  He came to save us.. Finally we get our car out and when we go to get our stuff out of his car...  It was locked!  With the keys inside.  What else could go wrong?

But we finally do make it to her dorm and get a few hours of sleep before she drove me and my friend back home.

This may not be a Oscar winning night but for my 16 year old self, that was epic.  It's always a funny story me and her mention because we always associate Good Friday as a bad day to go out.   A year later I got held at gunpoint at Burger King as I was coming in to work at 5am, on the same day.

The original church in the 40's 

I returned to Limelight many times after that night and always had a good time.   I do remember the dark stairways and stone walls.  It really was an old beautiful church inside.   It's sad to see what they did with it now.

Vintage Scarf 1980s Blue Yellow White Green Geometric Design Scarf

Vintage Scarf 1980s Blue Yellow White Green Geometric Design Scarf, a photo by Brick City Vintage on Flickr.


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