You're Mean

 A close friend of mine said that to me the other day.    

It's true I can be.    I can be very mean, cold and cutting.   

It's a safety switch I turned on in my brain for myself when I was a kid. 

It always correlates with my feelings being hurt in some way of another.   

My Dr used to say it was because of me not feeling protected growing up.  

I've never been mean to another on purpose in my whole life.    There was always a reason.

And it always involved my feelings being hurt.    Add me being sensitive to the mix.

My feelings got hurt a lot.   I say that because I've toughened up over the years.   

I had to and it was hard.   I needed to be like Sansa and stop being a little bird.

If I didn't have my Venus in Pisces I wouldn't be so sensitive, trust me.   

Three big planets in Aquarius, I can be prone to cutting you into a million pieces.

I'm still healing my inner child.   

I can think back to being 4 years old and starting my first day of kindergarten.   I got there late and we walked in on them doing the Pledge of Allegiance.   There was nowhere for me to sit and I'm in the middle of the classroom at the door crying because everyone was starting at me and I was humiliated.   I can laugh about this now but in the moment, I can still feel how I felt that day.   

I can say that I was truly myself at 4 years old.  The world hadn't taken my innocence yet. 

So, there I was in the front of Lafayette Street Kindergarten classroom, balling.   Til this day I hate attention.    It was the force of the whole classroom looking at me when we walked through the door.   Then I couldn't move until they finished the damn song so it made the whole process feel like it would never end.     I started crying and some really nice pretty teacher came right at me and smiled, took my hand and said, "Aw don't cry". She led me to a seat in the middle of the classroom where I sat and calmed down until they were finished with their song.   I remender I hated that seat, it was so uncomfortable, it was wood from 50s and not the new plastic seats that came out in the 70s. I ended up calming down right away and had a great school year.    

I think what I felt that day was energy.   I felt everyone's annoyance when they turned to look at the door...it hit me hard.    I've always been That sensitive.    

I guess now instead of crying I hit back with my own energy.   My growing process has been learning how to hold up a mirror and deflect it.   But I am human sometimes.    

 If a storm comes up you just have to let it pass.   I've had a lot of people hold my hands throughout my life, it's beautiful.   

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YG Marley and Ms. Lauryn Hill LIVE ON STAGE JAMAICA March 2024 -Praise ...

I am so happy to see Lauryn Hill so happy.   

She's about to get her lick back on this dirty music industry.

They tried to assassinate her character.  Nobody liked that she changed but I didn't care.  I knew she was on mission for herself, I loved the acoustic album, she bared her soul to us.  I was grateful for that.   She's not here to do what we want.  She gave us Miseducation and it was a global success but then she wanted to go deeper.    They wouldn't let her.   She rebelled and broke free... her true fans stuck around.   I love to see her put her son on, and he's good too.   That whole family is solid.. they are such spiritual people.   I always felt Bob Marley was a gift to us like Jesus was...  Not of this world but in this world.    

My morning with ADD

 It's a roller coaster.   Not really that dramatic, I hate roller coasters.   I hate anything with heights and speed....     So not a roller coaster but more like a maize.   I keep walking into dead ends and when I turn back around, I end up at the beginning.   

Me trying to watch an Astrology Video on todays .........

I eventually did everything I was supposed to and am ready to start my day.   It would of taken half the time with anyone else.     

Happy Birthday Chelly

 Every year my Bday comes around and I wish I was 7 again and having a little no frills party in the basement with my cousins.   It was the time of our lives, we were a little gang in that era.  Christmas' used to rock, all of us together was always a good time.  My birthday hasn't felt special for awhile.   It's a reminder of getting old and that sucks.   I'm sure there are lots of people who find this weird and even sad but I don't feel sad about it at all.    I don't need a big deal.    Maybe I'm lying to myself.    I did go out for a birthday brunch with my family, we bunched my brother's bday with mine and we got together.    It was nice, wish my mom wasn't there.   Did I just write that?   We all feel bad for her.    My mom is so non self aware.   It's so hard to reason with someone who isn't self aware, I used to be that someone.  My mom deserves a whole book and I'll save all I have to say for that.     

I turned 49 this year.    I'm such a child though.. the other day at the chiropractor the assistant that works there said she loves the way I dress.  She was trying to tell me she loved my style but seemed nervous to tell me.  It makes me look young she said.  I was wearing some ripped jeans with a camouflage sweater I have had for years.   I love that sweater too.   "You have your own style" That made me so happy.   I didn't know I was such an intimidating person, I've always felt I stayed under the radar.   I made her feel comfortable and joked how I'm so happy she likes it because my mother doesn't.    She looked at me like aww, she can tell i'm older and I guess she heard the pain in my voice.  I didn't even mean to do it because at all costs I will protect my mom.   It's that weird kind of loyalty, blind loyalty.    My mom is one of the very few people that gets that from me.   I can say whatever the fuck I want about her but don't you dare..  That's how loyalty works?   Is that toxic?   Is that how I was programmed to think and even though I know it's wrong, it's what I still do. 

This past summer she started a fight with a neighbor over him parking his commercial vehicle on the street all the time.   He parks in front of her window and that prevents her from being nosey.  I was upstairs in my apt on the 3rd floor when i heard the voice.. her I'm losing my shit voice.    (I have the same voice, $200/hr psychoanalyst.will help u eliminate that voice.)  That's another story that deserves a book.  She picked on a gay man so I knew he wasn't going to back down, he had met his match.  Palmira takes no shit and or prisoners.   After 5 minutes I had to put on my bra and get involved and break it up.   Told him to STFU and go home, didn't have to say anything to her because she got quiet as soon as she heard my voice.   That's what she wanted.    I can give two shits about who parks where, stop disturbing my peace

I can't wait to see the Bob Marley movie and feel the love.   That was his message..peace and love.   He was a good man.   I read Rita's book and I'm waiting for his mother's book to come in the mail.   I have been OD'ing on his music for the last two weeks.  Today was a rough day for me so I listen to his Kaya album on repeat.    Today deserves a chapter in a book.   I learned a lot today and I learned to never stop being me no matter how crazy it looks to other people.   Nobody needs to understand me and the decisions I make, I am all I need to understand me.   It was only in these past 2 years I learned so much about myself.   I've been very lucky to have such beautiful people around me.   They get me and understand me and I never have to worry about being misunderstood.   One of my friends is going through a tough time, something very scary and traumatic happened.    I want to help but they are not letting me for reasons I don't want to talk about.   

Today was heavy.   Then my chiro adjusted me and it was all released.   I have no control over anything except myself and sometimes that is very hard to do.   I want to be Bob Marley and just be in love and in my heart space all the time.      

Family Tree

 How excited am I right now.   I woke up not caring about my birthday at all, I even forgot about it in those first few seconds you wake up confused out of your sleep.   Got up and did all my regular things and then went to check my email when I saw one from Geni wishing me a Happy Birthday.   I don't know why I decided to log into this old family tree website.  Almost everyone in my family is signed up and we are all connected there.   When it's someone's birthday on a tree an email goes out to everyone on it to remind them of your birthday.   It also includes your age and that is where I had to stop the line.    As I was logged in there I noticed the old ass picture I have up on Catamaran in Sandy Hook Bay.. that' had to be like 2010 or 11.   I immediately changed it to my 8 year old self sitting on my favorite fountain in Matosinhos Portugal.   I still need to go back and change that showing the age option but that is not why the Universe sent me into this Geni rabbit hole today.   I noticed the family tree said I have a half sister, when i clicked on the picture it was me in 2009.. I must of created a different account at one point.    Then I noticed she.. me.. had a whole family tree up.    I FOUND IT!!  I can't believe I found it.   

When my dad got diagnosed with Melanoma and getting Interferon chemo treatment up at Saint Barnabas twice a week, I used to go with him and one day I decided to pick his brain.    My father had the most amazing memory and he told the best stories.  He was quiet because he was an observer and he paid attention to everything.    I remember that year we started his family tree from his grandparents and on..    It was fun doing this with him that afternoon because he remembered everyone's middle name and everything.   I gave up on this project because I lost this list.   One day I log into Geni and the tree isn't there and I got so upset.   What I found today was my birthday gift from my dad... I feel him this morning and he was in my dreams last night.  We were in Torreira.   I don't know people don't believe in life after death.   Energy never dies..  I think my father was a really good friend in a past life with me.  I beleive in reincarnation and I believe when we come down to the earth plane to learn our lessons, sometimes a friend tags along to help you out.   His short time here was to make sure there was a balance in my home life.    He gave me that normalcy the best way he could.   

When I went to Portugal in 2022 I went to the cemetery and took pictures of all grave sites, because they all have photos in Europe.   Now I can start adding the pictures to the family tree I'm building.   Everyone should be interested in their genealogy.   In order to understand myself, I need to understand my mother, her mother, her mother's mother.   Our ancestors are part of our DNA..they are in us.   I did that dna kit with ancestory and of course i'm 98% from the region my parents are from in Portugal.   Hundreds of years of my ancestors being near the ocean, is it no wonder I was like a fish the first time my dad introduced me to the waters of Sandy Hook Bay?   The beach is my familiar place.   That is why I used to love to go the music conference in Miami all those years.   We didn't even go to the sand, just being on that rooftop looking at the ocean, smelling the air, was it.   I wish I was near the ocean now at this moment instead of looking out into gloomy day here in Newark.    

I always say every year that I going to Jamaica for my birthday.   I'll say it again... Maybe next year.   

Off to take my birthday shower where I use water to manifest my dreams for next year.

Thanks for the gift dad.   

Gravitus

The Sun hasn't been out in like 3 days.   What a difference that makes on someone like me, I love the feel of it's energy.   Although, I can say that the sun feels different in other parts of the world.   It feels different in Portugal, it feels different in Miami and it definitely feels different here.   

I was born and raised and live in Newark... but I am not of Newark.    Maybe that's why I always felt stuck here.     As a freedom loving Aquarius Moon Child, I will never function at 100% where I feel stuck. 

Here comes Pluto for the next 20 years... just blowing into my sign all guns blazing.  If I signal him, he will fuck everything up, burn it to the ground, pulvarize it into dust.. and go... Here, no more of that shit.  That's what you wanted right?   

This is all happening high on my chart.   

Pluto can be very destructive, but I am a true Aquarius and Saturn the father of discipline runs it all there 24/7.   Pluto is going to have to pump the brakes, let's talk this through before you go flying your dragon everywhere and burning villages.     What I need from Pluto in Aquarius from the next 20 years, is to be Brave... Gravatas.   Pluto gives Power to destroy things, so I have to learn to wield that power and channel it into Work...  Into Writing.    Into Selling.    Into Learning More.    When all of these things are flowing, in a fruitful and positive way, that is when I will feel the power.   

The whole key is to not be ruthless.    With ourselves, with other people.   

It's been a tremendous 3 years since my father passed away.    I want to step back into life as gently as possible but with Pluto there is always Chaos.    It's gonna be there and I'm going to have to just accept it.   I think as long as you have a pretty good understanding of who you and you already know what your weakness are... then you are good.  Now when my weaknesses pop up, I acknowledge them, I hug them and I say to myself, "Now there is something I need to work on."   No need to pretend they don't exist anymore.....  Yes, I have a bad temper.  It's hard to not take the stupid things people do personally for me.   If could be the lady cutting me off on the highway...   it could be my mom repeating herself a million times about how my hair looks better like and like that.    Why didn't it take me so long to learn that it's not about me?   I wish I could have learned this in school.   

Back to Pluto.   

I appreciate you.   I want to use you, not you use me.    I feel your presence in Aquarius already...and it's only 1 degree.    Pretty soon you will all the way moved into my house..  and you will stay for 20 years.   I'll give you the nice and big guestroom and you can chill.    I'll call on your sword when needed but just fall back.    I already have my moon, mercury and Sun there.... plus my Midheaven.  As he moves through my sign in  the next 20 years he will cross over my 3 planets and those are the times I will have to pay attention to my horoscope.    I just want him to be comfortable on his visit...He's free to roam but I'll call u, don't call me.   Even if you see someone yelling at me and shit, I just need you to fall back.. I got this.  

While Pluto is here visiting my house I will call on him to help with my listening.  Less Talking.   When he goes over my Mercury in Aquarius is when I'll light a blue candle to have him help me there.   Instead of explosions like he likes... Saturn will be with me to teach me to be Nice, Sweet, Caring...to everyone.   I already know how to do that with the people i love, to do this with everyone shouldn't be difficult as long as i stay true to myself and be honest.   I don't know how to fake it, this will involve me taking down all the old structures.    People are hurting out there, empathy is scarce.   I have red flags and they usually involve pointing my finger @ people or the whisper in my ear, judging.   I know now, that if I change, so will my world

That doesn't mean I have to be a punk bitch though.  I will be here with Pluto and my Queen of Swords.... listening better, working on my weaknesses and accepting them more.. being brave, believing in myself more.   The other day I said to someone that my life was boring.   I've been through so much trauma that saying that wasn't a bad thing.   It just means that everything is calm.   I wish I had more to say when people ask me what's going on.  Oh nothing.. Just hanging in there and hoping for something better.   I have to start being better.   I'm not going to beat myself up because I've come a long way but I know there is room for improvement.   It means keeping myself in a positive mindset and making sure I only keep people around me who I know genuinely love me.     

Dad's two year Death Anniversary

 I'm at that age where I'm going to all the Dr appointments I used to take my dad to.   I remember when I took him to his colonoscopy, he was always super nervous when we went.   My Dad was really good at hiding how he really felt, but I knew.   I imagine he felt what I did, that I wasn't going to wake up from the anesthesia.   I remember thinking back then, one day it will be me in one of these rooms and wondering what I would need the most.    I would need for people to speak to me like nothing was going on, it was no big deal, and that's what happened.    I was in the procedure room with 4 nurses, and they were talking about movies and shows, and I of course chimed in.  Needless to say I had the best 45-minute nap of my life and now I know why Michael Jackson liked the profonol.  It was a deep sleep.      

I thought a lot about my dad yesterday.   He would prob still be here if he took better care of himself and then Covid wouldn't of took him from us.   I warned him so many times that he needed to be careful because if he caught Covid he would die.   I was very blunt with him and I know he got it.   I know this because of the day we had to carry him out of the house to the car to take him to the ER.    I knew he wasn't coming back, I reached into the car with no mask and gave him the biggest hug possible.   I heard him say to me, "Eu sei."   I know.    He was in the hospital maybe 2 days when we got the call that his organs were shutting down and he didn't have long.    We agreed we wouldn't put him on a respirator because it wouldn't solve anything, it would just prolong his death.   My father had congestive heart failure and was on blood thinners and a ton of other medication.   His kidney's went first ..   

When we got to St Barnabas that day we could only go up one at a time.   When it was my turn to go up to the room to say goodbye, I was so out of it that I bypassed the nurses station and just walked into his room with no protective gear at all.   There was my dad, looking so frail on that hospital bed and I could tell by the movements of his head he was fighting, like he always did.   I reached down to touch his chest and he was so hot from the fever that I burst into tears right there.  I told him, my last words.. "You can stop fighting, you can go.  It's ok, we will all be ok."  I told him that we all loved him and he was a good father and he took care of us.   I was sorry we couldn't be with him in his final moments two hours later.   Nobody deserves to die like that..  being alone in a hospital room is not a good feeling.   

I remember when the Dr called me that afteroon to tell me he was gone.   She sounded so sad and tired and she probably made 5 other calls that day for the same thing.   I didn't want to get emotional with her and I was already prepared for this news.   I just hope that day my calmness gave a little respite from the awful reality she was living through.   We don't give enough credit to the medical staff that had to live through this and how much damage it did to their mental health.   

 I hate how people dismiss Covid.    I got to experience his ugly effects first hand and it's not fair to say that it only affects the sick and weak.   My dad would of lived and stay with us a little longer if it wasn't for that.  My father was really a beautiful gentle soul who just wanted the simple things in life.   I miss him.    I had so many more questions to ask him.. I regret not going to Portugal while whe was still alive and it now only after his death that I start going again.   I feel the closest to him when I'm there..     I believe in that life after death energy.   They linger, they come to check on you.    I stay present more since he left just so I can hear the messages.   Since he left I have been thinking more about what him and my mom did in the 70s.  They came over here with near to nothing..   I know get to sit a room of a piece of what was the fruit of his labors.   We can sell now and get out.   Or we can add to it.   Me and my brother haven't had that conversation yet, but my mother is on board for anything but here.